Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
