Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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