I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
