R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
