the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It was confusing and full of hummus
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
