I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Of course I have a pirate flag
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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