She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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