K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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