She went from zero to smokin in five shots
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
