if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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