Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Send help, water and tortillas.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
