A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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