Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so that wasnt chicken after all
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
