Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
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His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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