He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
