This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
