I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Randomize
