There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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