u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
