just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
