Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
