She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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