this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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