Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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