I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I did not marry a roomba.
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