So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
