I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Randomize
