ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
