either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
