cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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