I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
