wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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