Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
