he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
