It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
