It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
