I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
