dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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