She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
