omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
