I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
