I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
