i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
