my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
