A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Woke up backwards on a recliner
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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