I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
