Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
