I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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