i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I supernannyed him into submission
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
