I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?