I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
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I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz