My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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