we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
