What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
