i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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