I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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