I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
